Hard. Dry. Cracked. Breaking.

I think that we often don’t realize we are hard-hearted till it’s too late.  We just go through life and our hearts grow harder and dryer.  When we finally do realize that we’ve become as hard, dry, cracked as the floor of a drought ridden land it takes some major, slow watering to rejuvenate our heart.

My husband and I have been on a journey for the past few years.  With my human eyes I see little if any progress.  I feel like we should be farther along than we are and I have grown quite weary.  Weary of walking, weary in praying, weary in seeking Him.  All despite praying that I would not lose passion and would not grow weary.  I can tell you that I had down “looking like everything was good”; but as I look back now I see evidences that it wasn’t.  Fights with my husband.  Not wanting to go to church.  I hadn’t really read my Bible in I couldn’t say how long.  Prayer was all but absent.

We are going through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan in our community groups at church.  It is an amazing book, and very impacting.  I’d already read most of it by the time we started doing community groups.  Last week at group our pastor asked someone how she was doing and what she said could have been me on the flip side of my hard heart.  What was becoming her past was my present.  I recognized that my heart was hard and that I needed to change and even had the slightest desire to, but I really didn’t want to.  I felt justified. {Reminder we are never justified except by Jesus’ blood.}  Then Sunday at church we studied Psalm 63.  God started breaking about the hard ground that my heart had become.  I was ready to start bawling before the message was over.  My sister-in-law and brother-in-law led worship that night.  Within the first measures of the song I was deeply in tears.  I could feel Him pouring tiny amounts of water on and breaking apart the dry ground.  Every song we lifted to Jesus that night was my heart’s cry.

Five days later and I admit I’m still struggling.  I still feel weary.  I still struggle to read my Bible and pray.  I still want to justify my hard heart.  I know that this is going to take time.  I didn’t get here over night and He isn’t going to allow me to be “all better” over night.  I covet your prayers.