I’ve been hard pressed to have the desire to do anything Christmasy this year.
In my feelings of abandonment by God, it is difficult to celebrate this time of Immanuel.
While everyone else cheerfully decorated their tree and home, my newly purchased tree sat in its box on the dining room table, and the stockings & nativity on the work bench in the garage where they’ve been for the last 11 months.
I didn’t – and I think in some regards still don’t – feel it.
I’ve noticed my anger is cyclical. A constant cycle of anger, indifference, & finally consideration – and then start the whole cycle all over again before consideration takes root and grace is exchanged between He and I. While anger and indifference are interwoven through the whole time.
Last night I was talking with Shawn. He was asking how I was feeling/doing in regards to the catalyst that has propelled me the this cycle. My response was that I don’t tend to think about it, because when I do I get blindingly angry.
And I believe his response was what I needed to hear, he said you have to think about it, you have to get over it. And I’m transported back to my question of if I want to heal.
This morning………this morning, I find myself back at consideration. However, in a different aspect that what has been over the last month and a half. Yes, I still feel angry. As I’ve mentioned it takes time.
Last night while Shawn was at a meeting I set up our tiny tree and wrapped extra lights around, as it seemed only half the tree came with lights. I draped around it red velour and as always strategically placed the cast members who remind us of that night, when Immanuel took place.
I feel this time, in this position of consideration – it will be different. I breathe in deep and hold on as I take a step towards Immanuel.