What do you do when you fall backwards? When angry words spew out like white, hot lava because emotions are running higher than they have in a long time. Sometimes I wonder why God puts up with us. With our tantrums and our bitterness that creeps out from behind where it was hiding. It would probably never surprise me if He were just to turn and walk away, telling me if that’s the way you want it, then it’s all yours.
And tonight I seem to have fallen backwards.
It’s hard when our emotions bring out things we thought we’d left behind. Yet we discover those things (the anger, the bitterness, the sense of defeat) seem to only have been hiding in a dusty room we forgot about [or that we thought we'd locked more secure than we apparently have].
Honestly I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m taking my baby steps and some days feel I’m walking backward rather than forward. This all seems to consume my every thought. There isn’t a day I don’t think about hope. About dreaming & hoping for the future and just how hard trust feels some days.
I feel as though I keep cresting a hill, but every time I attempt to cross over the summit I tumble back down the side I just worked my way up. I never knew it was going to be this challenging.
So I find myself tonight, picking myself up and wondering if I should bother brushing the dust off my knees from the tumble I took. I’m looking at this summit knowing wholeness and hope reside on the other side, and I wonder how many more times I’m going to fall backwards. I’m trying to come to acceptance that He’s on this side of the hill with me, that He’s not on the other side playing backgammon until I finally make it over there.