I suffer (undiagnosed) from Subjective Vertigo.
Subjective Vertigo is that feeling that you’re moving when you’re really not. I get this feeling often, it used to be nearly daily.
We were watching the Olympics the other evening and there was a commercial with a gymnast on the bars, I could physically feel every upswing, the potential energy when he on top of the bar on his hands, and the fall.
His Every. Single. Move. I felt it.
There are times it’s so heavily interfering with my normal brain activity that I can rock myself to sleep by imagining I’m in one of those giant dragon swings.
I’ve learned that certain things set it off. I can’t/don’t watch scenes in movies where a person falls from a great height. While I’m not afraid of heights, I’m leery of cliffs because I’ve often felt that falling feeling just staring over the side.
I was thinking about all this the other night because with the Olympics and watching some of the gymnastic routines my symptoms have been more prevalent. But I was thinking about vertigo and my faith.
There’ve been times when I’ve felt moved when I’m not really. Getting caught up in the moment because emotions are high. The last night of Christian camp when you promise to read your Bible and only listen to Jesus music because you’re so caught up in the cacophony that only exists when emotions are dancing like water in a hot skillet.
I don’t want my faith to be like that. I don’t want to feel moved when I’m not actually feeling pressed upon.
My soul and my faith have their own voice and their own song. What moves yours may not move mine.
And I’ve grown tired of feeling the need to be moved when I’m not supposed to.
So I want to let go of this faith vertigo, to move only when the language my soul speaks is spoken.