There are days that I wake up and soon realize that I can’t do them. That the daily call for getting up and going to work and being an adult is far more that I can carry. The past couple days have been those days. “I don’t have the strength…”, I scrawled in black ink in my journal. “I’m frazzled. Every fuse is short.”, I went on. Both days I’ve felt the compelling need to give up. To hide in a dark closet and not give another thought to the day or anything calling for my attention.
It’s these days that I tend to hide. I sit quietly (more than usual) in my cube at work. I struggle as everything grates on me. The sound of voices, the emails collecting in my inbox. Everything is just another blade against my well being and another weight upon my soul.
I didn’t ask for strength or for help. I was perfectly content to dwell in my miserableness. I didn’t want to have the responsibility of being an adult. I wanted my dark closet. But some how strength found me. Both days. I came to the end of my days with far greater strength than I’d began it with.
Some days I don’t know where this strength comes from. Okay, I do, but you know what I mean. When you have your some days where simply getting out of bed and putting clothes on and grabbing your coffee is more than you can take, we often sit back at the end of these days and wonder how. How we got from sun up to sun down in one piece. Or perhaps a half dozen pieces rather than a thousand.
I’m no expert in this. Well…in the unable to do my days I am fairly proficient. But the finding and dwelling in the mysterious strength I am not. Some days the call of the dark, lonely, quiet place is stronger. Some days the strength doesn’t come. Those days are hard. Those days I don’t have the strength to write it out in my journal. To put a voice to it. Some of those days end with me weaker than when I began. In the thousand pieces where all I can do is collapse.
Some days I don’t even dare to hope to fly. Days when my weary hands leave claw marks from dragging myself through the day. Some days we wear weakness and some days strength mysteriously finds its way into us.