I have felt so helpless lately.  It started a while ago seeing images of precious people living on nothing just trying to get by.

It came roaring at me two weeks ago with the earthquake in Haiti.  The images of poverty stricken, broken people floated before my eyes.  I didn’t close the websites or stop reading the Tweets because I wanted to look.

I wanted to be broken over these people.

Last Sunday at church God literally wrecked me.  Our pastor decided to forgo communion after the teaching and allow people to pray for Haiti while worship was led.  We watched this video done by Pastors Mark Driscoll & James McDonald who went to Haiti to help churches just days after the earthquake.  Within seconds of the video starting I was crying.  I hadn’t cried for Haiti yet.  All I could do the rest of the service was cry and plead to God to save:  spiritually and physically.

It isn’t just Haiti though.  It’s all children and families that are in devastating poverty.  That is what breaks my heart.  I want to argue with God and ask Him why are you allowing this to happen to your creation.  Why are you allowing the flesh and blood you wove together to be eaten away by diseases and malnutrition?

Today Shawn showed me pictures that Tony Morgan Tweeted from his trip to Burkina Faso through Compassion.  All I wanted to do besides cry for these children, was bring them into my home and take care of them.  Love them.

I know it isn’t an accident that God has placed these feelings in my heart.  I’ve pleaded with Him over and over to break my heart for the things that break His.  This is an answer to prayer.  Yet, I still feel so helpless.  We sponsor our precious, beautiful little Nikita in India and fully plan on sponsoring more in the future.  Yet, I still feel so helpless.  I pray.  We donate to Haiti, and yet…  I feel like there is so much more I could do and don’t know how or what.

I just want to be open to what He has for Shawn and I.  I guess my feeling helpless means I just lean on Him all that much more and He’ll be the work in me that moves my hands the way they need to be moved.

In the light of tragedies we always seem to understand just how blessed we are by God.  My heart has been exceptionally thankful lately.  Last night we had a tremendous storm here in Phoenix.  We got an inch of rain over night.  As I got ready for bed I listened to the downpour that was occurring and could only thank God that I have a house with four walls and roof that doesn’t leak.  I wasn’t out on the street trying to find a semi dry, warm place to sleep.  I was about to crawl into my dry comfy bed with four layers of blankets.  I haven’t lost everything that was really nothing to begin with.  We are blessed.

Take away the superficial stuff your thankful for.  When you get down to the nitty gritty what does your heart cry out to God in praises of thanksgiving?

Here are some of mine:

1.  My salvation and the undeserved grace and mercy God has given me.

2.  I have a home.  Thousands don’t have a place to sleep at night except a dirty corner in the street (if they’re lucky).

3.  I have a job.  Again many don’t.  I’ve been blessed with a job I really like.  My co-workers can drive me batty but that’s part of having a job.

4.  My husband.  After nearly nine years (in May) of marriage my husband loves my more than he did nine years ago.  With all my faults, my car accidents, my yelling at him it is apparent he’s fallen more in love with me and I with him.

Your turn…

Psalm 138:1 – 3 (NLT)

I give you thanks, O Lord , with all my heart;
I will sing your praises before the gods.
I bow before your holy Temple as I worship.
I praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness;
for your promises are backed
by all the honor of your name.
As soon as I pray, you answer me;
you encourage me by giving me strength.

When I logged onto my computer at work this morning I read this headline for this story on the BBC feed I use Haiti Quake Toll May Be 200,000.  My heart just breaks.  It cries out for God’s mercy.

Last night I was praying for our little girl Nikita in India, and the people in Haiti.  Both India and Haiti are amongst the poorest in the world.  Haiti being the poorest in the Western Hemisphere, and India having the largest concentration of poor in the world.  This utterly breaks my heart.  I began asking God to save and come quickly.  I am becoming more and more aware of the effects of sin on our world and our own selves.  In Genesis 3 man fell from the grace of God.  Sin entered the world and all that was in it and on it became cursed.  I long for the day with great anticipation when Jesus returns.  When sin and it’s effects are no more.

In the mean time all we can do is serve God, which includes others; and pray and give.  As I said in my last post I do not wish that you would give lightheartedly.  To treat it as the easy way out.  The truth of the matter is these people need Jesus more than they need money.  It seems like a harsh thing to say, but I’d rather die homeless in a gutter and have been saved by Jesus, then to die in a mansion and never know Him.

If God leads you to give then do it.  Don’t hesitate.  And pray, unceasingly.  My husband and I gave through Compassion Intl.  You can donate by clicking the Help Haiti image below.

For whatever you do thank you.

A few thoughts on my prayer to live more missionally this year.

Probably about two years ago Shawn and I started learning about Missiology and living missionally.  It was a new concept for the both of us.  In a nut shell, missional living means you live as a missionary to the community you live and work in.  No longer did being a missionary mean you moved to Africa (or another third world country).  Needless to say I’m still learning.

My biggest obstacle is really myself.  1.  obviously getting rid of my pride, but also 2. the personality that God made me with.  I am an extremely introverted person.  Going up and talking to people – even those I know – is extremely difficult.  So engaging strangers who need to be loved on in conversations about life is rather difficult.

I’ve started praying in this way about this:

Lord, you created me and designed me including my personality and the introvertedness.  You wrote these into my DNA knowing that today I would be challenged to reach out and love and engage people.  Please show me how to do this despite what I view as hurdles.

It’s pretty much the only thing I know to say.  All I know is God has sent me to love people He loves, He will enable me to do it.

If you struggle with being introverted and engaging people how do you overcome your fears?  I’d love any insights and of course prayers.

Missio Vitam – Latin for Sent Life

I once heard someone say that you shouldn’t yell at your spouse unless the house is on fire.  Well, unfortunately the house wasn’t on fire, it wasn’t flooding, in fact there was no sense of danger at all.  I just blew it.

As I started to come down I started thinking.  I’ve known that I fight like my mom.  I erupt.  I try to have a civil discussion and then all my frustrations, all my defenses come spewing out.  I also learned something else about myself.  Of the “Five Languages of Love” I am definitely Affirmation.  When my husband and I are having a discussion/fight I take things he says out of context and run with them.  Next thing I know I feeling like a failure, where that is never (and would never be) his intention or thought.  Regardless if the way I fight is nature (the personality God designed me with) or nurture (learning from my mom) if I lash out in anger it is sin.  I need to learn how to deal with it.  It isn’t healthy for me or my relationships.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of heart issues the past few days.  Issues I don’t normally deal with, but they’ve been rearing their ugly heads.

For Christmas this year Shawn and I felt very convicted to ask our family instead of buying us gifts that they would just give us the cash they would normally spend on us instead and we would be sending that to our little girl we sponsor with Compassion in India.  This was our heart of hearts.  I knew going into this that it wouldn’t be easy not receiving gifts, I mean who doesn’t like to get presents.  But it was really hard.  Selfishness started to bloom in my heart.  I wanted to get gifts just like everyone else.  My only hope was to start praying for a heart change.  I’m still recovering but God is working.

Shawn and I have been blessed far greater than we ever should be.  We are grateful for every blessing.  Part of those blessings is blessing Nikita.  We love her so much.  I believe by God’s providence, we received a letter from her just days before Christmas.  Shawn and I agreed to wait to open it and that would be our “gift” to open on Christmas.  We opened it last night and our hearts were overjoyed.

My life has no room for a selfish or jealous heart.  It was more and more room for loving on other people and blessing them.

“You are my best friend, and the one I want to spend my life with.  I will be here to listen to you, laugh with you, and hold you.  I will be here to encourage you and strengthen you as we build our life together.  I promise to be your best friend, your love, and your helper.  I commit myself to you and you alone for the rest of our lives.”

Those were our vows.  I hope that eight and a half years later I’m living them out daily to Shawn.  We didn’t include the traditional “for richer or poorer…in sickness and health…” but I think that all of that is summed up.

I’ve been “laid up” for nearly a week now after my surgery.  My foot issues go back to June.  Shawn has been exceedingly wonderful.  I know it isn’t easy dealing with me when I’m not recovering from surgery, so I can’t imagine what dealing with a one legged wife with wheels is like.  He’s been patient, loving, compassionate, and most of all selfless.  I am truly one blessed wife.

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To give you a brief synopsis.  Mid-June I was walking down the hall at work and started have pain in my left foot.  It wasn’t bad enough to give much thought to I would just limp every now and then.  The next morning I woke and the pain was worse and when I tried to wear a pair of low heels I thought I was going to die from the pain.  I went and saw my primary care doctor and was sent for x-rays which came back normal so she referred me to a podiatrist.  {Sidebar:  I found a great podiatrist that I really like.}  I wore a Moon Boot for the month of July and weaned out of it cause I seemed to be doing better.  Two weeks later I started having mild pain again.  I toyed with going back to the Dr. cause the pain wasn’t horrible.  I decided I needed to make an appointment and was glad I did.  That very weekend Shawn and I went out of town on an overnight trip and struggled with pain off and on while we were gone.  I had an MRI and discovered that I have a longitudinal tear in my Peroneal Tendon and Tendonosis (it’s not healing on it’s own).  I’d eventually have to have surgery.  Shawn and I talked and decided with insurance and continuing to have pain may as well try to do it soon.

Soon is tomorrow.  Well we’ve know it was going to be tomorrow for a few weeks now.  I am having what’s called Topaz Procedure.  It is an interesting procedure in which they shoot radio waves into the tendon to make it start healing on its own.  I’ll be off my foot for three weeks getting around with a knee walker.  I’ve been a little anxious as I’m being cut open with a scalpel, but God has been gracious in calming those fears.  I’ll only be off Thursday and Friday back to work on Monday for a short week.

I appreciate your prayers that everything would go smoothly and that I wouldn’t have any complications.  I’ll keep you updated.

Here’s a little funny for you…  Oh and the 34 years, 4 months is how long I went without ever having stitches (my whole life).  Good bye nice little record.

My first experience with Compassion Intl. was when I was in highschool.  Our family sponsored a young girl in Haiti.  Now my relationship with them is more personal.  It is my husband and I who are sponsoring our own child, Nikita.  I can’t express how blessed I am to have her in our lives half a world away.

This week I’m following the Compassion Blog Trip to El Salvador.  I’m reading the stories of five women and one man who are visiting, meeting, and getting down & dirty with the families and workers that are involved in the Compassion project down there.  The only thing I can think to say is I’m so moved.  I have to read these stories, watch the videos, look at the pictures taken when I’m at home and I can cry and not make a fool of myself.  If you get a chance I recommend reading some of the blog posts.  And if you don’t or even if you do pray about whether God would have you sponsor a child through Compassion.  It is because of one of these Blog Trips that Shawn and I decided to sponsor Nikita.

Thank you to all the bloggers on the El Salvador trip.  You are touching my life all the way here in Arizona.

This was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while. Saturday I cleaned upstairs (minus the vacuuming and dusting, which I think that dusting up there may require a vacuum **gasp**), had a date night with my awesome husband, and Sunday was lazy and then church which can be hectic. But all in all it was good.

Sunday night at church was really good. I wasn’t bitter about being at church. My heart was in the right place for the first time in a while. After church I tweeted that I am so thankful that God loves me despite my shortfalls. As I prepared myself and my heart for communion last night I relished in that. I know that before God even created the world He saw me and knew that at this point in my life I would pull away and yet, He still loved me, still created me. Still sent Jesus to die for me. What an amazing realization.