I am selfish, impatient, pride filled, occasionally manipulative, often angry, jealousy ridden.
More that that, I am forgiven, accepted, redeemed, slowly being sanctified, worthy, found beautiful, precious in His sight, worth the price of the land, made new and clean.
As I see more of my sin, I realize more, that I am evidence of His grace.
I’ve been saved for 18 1/2 years and fully believe that we are saved by grace alone, nothing else is required. However, I continue to believe the lie, that I must pay penance. I must suffer for my sin. I read in a book recently a phrase to the effect that forgiveness demands suffering.
I found myself relating.
I feel as though I must suffer in my repentance, in my being sorry. This affects not only my faith but realms outside of my Christian walk. If Shawn and I have an argument my brain switches to I messed up I deserve for him to be upset with me. If I make a mistake at work and get in trouble I switch into I deserve the retribution that is spoken, I should have known better.
………. ….and I wallow there.
It affects my day and my relationships.
I’ll be honest….a lot of this comes from skeletons hidden in dark closets. Things that I have trouble getting over, or should I say maturing in.
I hold on to these insecurities, these lies because in a weird twisted way they make me feel better. I feel as though I’m making payment.
Even though I could never pay, and the debt is already paid.
How do we move past the lies?
I hate myself.
Myself being my selfishness.
I’m dastardly. I hate with a passion that I continue to sin, and sin so easily. I relate to Paul when in 1 Timothy, said that he is the worst of all sinners. I long to live a holy, set apart life for God.
As much as I long for this and as much as God is faithful in showing me sin in my life, I feel like a failure. After 18 and a half years of walking with Jesus I feel that I should be so much farther along in denying my flesh it’s pleasures. Again I feel like Paul when he proclaimed that he doesn’t do what he wants to do but does rather what he hates.
It’s ugliness not only affects my life but that of those close to me. My decisions to sin literally rips away joy and peace from others, it can send them into a place they were never meant to be.
Last night at church our pastor explained sin in an incredible way. He said that when we sin, we are taking that thing and making it a higher treasure than walking with God. Adam and Eve did this when they ate of the fruit which God told them not to eat.
A few thousand years later and I do the same thing.
With repentant heart I prostrate myself before Him and ask for His ever abundant, never ending forgiveness. I ask for His help in changing. That He would take away my selfishness, my pride, my lying & evil speaking tongue, my bitterness.
This was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while. Saturday I cleaned upstairs (minus the vacuuming and dusting, which I think that dusting up there may require a vacuum **gasp**), had a date night with my awesome husband, and Sunday was lazy and then church which can be hectic. But all in all it was good.
Sunday night at church was really good. I wasn’t bitter about being at church. My heart was in the right place for the first time in a while. After church I tweeted that I am so thankful that God loves me despite my shortfalls. As I prepared myself and my heart for communion last night I relished in that. I know that before God even created the world He saw me and knew that at this point in my life I would pull away and yet, He still loved me, still created me. Still sent Jesus to die for me. What an amazing realization.
Prudence is a 30-something writer who lives in Arizona with her husband Shawn and their chihuahuas Lengua and Zeus. She writes her life, her experiences and her crawl back to hope. Eventually, she hopes to visit India – a place that’s captured her heart without ever stepping foot on the soil.