I get intimidated by people.
Will they like me?
What if they don’t correspond with me?
What if I’m just another number in their count of followers?
What if they’re only humoring me?
The other day I was realizing just how these feelings affect me. I’ll not interact, or follow people on Twitter because of this.
Because you see….I have been/am that to some people. Or is that just my perspective?
I’d seen Tracee re-tweet many different times Stephanie, but I never followed Stephanie. Until a few days ago. I decided to just click “Follow” already. Why had I never clicked follow before? Intimidation. Fear [oh there is THAT word again]. Uncomfortableness. A whole string of what if’s: i don’t measure up, she doesn’t like me, doesn’t correspond with me, etc. etc. etc. etc.
And guess what….I think she likes me. She corresponds with me. Makes comments about my random little tweets.
It’s easy for me to hide behind my computer. To not allow myself to connect. To not allow myself to be in a vulnerable spot, while at the same time being vulnerable in other ways when I write. The fear of rejection and measuring my worth by people’s interaction with me: it’s a dangerous road.
One thing I’ve really seen and in part learned over the last week as I’ve re-read these ladies stories, is that community accepts you for who you are, but also walks along side of you every step of the way. If I let myself be a wallflower the way I so often am in real life away from the computer, I’ll experience the same feelings of rejection and fear.
I can’t we can’t allow our feelings, our perceived perceptions of what others may possibly think of us rule our lives. If we do we not only can, but will miss out on amazing opportunities. The problem………I’m guilty of this. It seems to be an innate part of my DNA. I will continue to struggle with this. I will never be the extrovert that clicks follow every time or says hello to someone first.
: | : I’d finished this post this past Friday. I thought it was done. Sunday morning Shawn and I were headed to breakfast with my family and then to a farm/kids amusement ride thingy. I was checking Twitter as the white lines of the freeway passed our tires. I read THIS tweet by Mandy Steward and it perfectly described what I was trying to say. Therefore… : | :
I’m messy by nature. (Shawn is the neat/clean/perfectionist one) Sometimes my mess is organized. Sometimes my mess is just clutter. I don’t necessarily enjoy the clutter but live with it. Mess though can be defined in a different ways…in relation to Mandy’s tweet and my topic here…it’s the mess of comfortableness, of rejection. By not stepping into what I view as a “mess” I set myself up for missing out. Whether it’s blessings, new friends, a word of wisdom, a laugh, etc. and all these reciprocated.
Do you struggle with this?
So in an effort to not be an online wallflower, give me one or two people’s Twitter names that you don’t think I follow.
Here’s mine contribution:
Manda is a storyteller with every blog post she writes. Her posts are deep, passionate, and challenging.
(photo by Shawn)
I was dealing with some discouragement and envy a week or so ago. Thanks to this post by blogger Mandy Steward which Shawn turned me onto. Which lead me to other bloggers she mentioned in the post. Which lead me to saying this to him, “Geeze I suck.” Which lead Shawn to ask why I would say that. My reply? “Because I’m not creative and I’m surrounded by creative people.”
I really don’t think that I’m creative. I think that I get random bursts of creativity. I create a funky piece of jewelery or create a really cool looking card. These bursts are rare. I sit around in the background watching others create masterpieces not to mention my amazingly creative, hot husband create things out of nothing.
So in the midst of my discouragement and envy I decided to take a giant step. Do something I’d never done before. At lunch I found myself deliberately in the canvas and paint aisles at Michael’s. I had a small budget since we’re waiting on Shawn’s payday but I came home with a few things.
I actually really enjoyed painting. I’m no Monet, Picasso, or even Mandy Steward but I tried. I found something new I liked doing. Here is the final product. I even Modge Podged a photo of us to the canvas.
Prudence is a 30-something writer who lives in Arizona with her husband Shawn and their chihuahuas Lengua and Zeus. She writes her life, her experiences and her crawl back to hope. Eventually, she hopes to visit India – a place that’s captured her heart without ever stepping foot on the soil.