I am selfish, impatient, pride filled, occasionally manipulative, often angry, jealousy ridden.
More that that, I am forgiven, accepted, redeemed, slowly being sanctified, worthy, found beautiful, precious in His sight, worth the price of the land, made new and clean.
As I see more of my sin, I realize more, that I am evidence of His grace.
I hate myself.
Myself being my selfishness.
I’m dastardly. I hate with a passion that I continue to sin, and sin so easily. I relate to Paul when in 1 Timothy, said that he is the worst of all sinners. I long to live a holy, set apart life for God.
As much as I long for this and as much as God is faithful in showing me sin in my life, I feel like a failure. After 18 and a half years of walking with Jesus I feel that I should be so much farther along in denying my flesh it’s pleasures. Again I feel like Paul when he proclaimed that he doesn’t do what he wants to do but does rather what he hates.
It’s ugliness not only affects my life but that of those close to me. My decisions to sin literally rips away joy and peace from others, it can send them into a place they were never meant to be.
Last night at church our pastor explained sin in an incredible way. He said that when we sin, we are taking that thing and making it a higher treasure than walking with God. Adam and Eve did this when they ate of the fruit which God told them not to eat.
A few thousand years later and I do the same thing.
With repentant heart I prostrate myself before Him and ask for His ever abundant, never ending forgiveness. I ask for His help in changing. That He would take away my selfishness, my pride, my lying & evil speaking tongue, my bitterness.
Prudence is a 30-something writer who lives in Arizona with her husband Shawn and their chihuahuas Lengua and Zeus. She writes her life, her experiences and her crawl back to hope. Eventually, she hopes to visit India – a place that’s captured her heart without ever stepping foot on the soil.